Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Lessons, Concessions and Resolutions 2013

I blog about as often as Kobe looks for the open man in crunch time. I mean to change that this year, but I meant to change it last year, too, and I ended up delivering a grand total of four crusty, crappy posts, with a total user enjoyment index of roughly 3.2. With another kid due in about ten days, and an average work week of 60 hours, I'm afraid that the days of six posts a week and staying up until 3 am just to throw some ol' horseshit onto the electro-grid are behind me forever. But man I miss the ol' blogging days of 2003-2006, when you woke up to see what goodies your pals had left for you the night before. And sure enough, there were some goodies.

Just because I don't got shit to say won't stop me from telling you what to do. So here are some simple tips that will make you a blue ribbon champion human in 2013. Some of 'em are things I do, some are things I wish I did, and some are things I'ma start doing very soon (probably not). Some are lessons I recently learned. Finally, there's some shit I'm just giving up on.

1. Start blogging again. Find something interesting to say and the time to say it. My domain name expired at the old site, so I'm cashing that shit in forever, but I've decided to post some of that archival stuff here. For now, I've just grabbed the monthly blog compilations, but I might put up some more stuff eventually. The problem is I built it all using crappy outdated blogging software, so almost every link and photo is now busted/gone. If you do go perusing, don't expect much clickability. It's like an old deli you used to go to, and you come back years later and all they've got on the shelves is an ancient box of stale cereal and some cat food. It is wild to look back at the early days of the bungle -- now almost a decade ago -- both to see what was happening in my world and how I was reacting to it. A lot of it makes me cringe but I'll leave it up there for now, and I'll take requests for old files/pages you want restored. Now everybody please get their blogs going again. Thank you.

2. Figure out what you really want to do with your professional life and start putting in some work towards making it happen. Be realistic about it. If you're 46, still waiting for your rock band to catch their big break, that shit is now officially a hobby. Enjoy it as such. And start working on another career. Because you're gonna need some money at some point. Maybe not a lot, but some.

3. Fist bump, high-five, hug, cheek-kiss and warmly greet everybody you know and like. Make some damn eye contact. Banter more aggressively with the people who work at the coffee shop. I've always secretly loved high-energy, insanely enthusiastic people who sink their teeth into whatever is happening at that moment without reservation or shame. I am kinda shy and embarrassed to be a part of it all. Not anymore, starting today. Let's DO this, people!

4. Embrace the shit that makes you happy, no matter how superficial and pointless it seems to others. For me, it is shiny new gadgets. I got an iPad mini and I love it so much I want to have it surgically attached to my hand. I know it's ultimately meaningless, but it brings me such stupid joy that I don't care. We got like 80 years on this earth if we're lucky -- so spend 'em with a smile on your face. Also, got a new camera. Anyone know how to convert AVCHD files into something Mac-friendly without losing any quality?

5. Drivers, if you find yourself in the wrong lane and you're about to miss an exit, go ahead and miss that exit. Get out at the next one. I may suck at driving but if I get in a wreck it won't be because I carelessly yanked my Prius across two lanes of traffic to save four minutes. Same thing goes for the way people compete over parking spaces out here. Fuck it, park another 80 feet from your destination. Get 20 seconds of mild exercise while you're at it.

6. When people piss you off, decide if it's really worth a BIG CONFRONTATION. If it is, go for it. If not, here's a simple way to get some cheap satisfaction: mutter some hilarious, hateful, sweary shit under your breath about the person as soon as your back is turned to them. Once you've left the room completely, feel free to toss in a few obscene gestures to top it off. It will reduce your blood to a gentle simmer and you'll feel like you actually WON.

7. Continue drinking cheap, domestic, pissy beers, despite being mocked for it. They'll keep you all nice and good.

8. Come to terms with the fact that the crew at the Chipotle on Ventura will never get your order right. Stop getting upset when they find new ways to screw it up every single time. Stop expecting good customer service in general. I'm afraid we need to accept the fact that until people get paid enough to give a shit, they probably won't. And the customer will suffer in the end. The sooner you stop fighting this, the happier you'll be.

9. Listen to the Mayor.

It doesn't even have to be some huge gesture of kindness involving tremendous personal sacrifice. Just don't be a dick. Don't try and rig the game. Don't cut in line. Don't say yes to things you should say no to. Dont make the obvious joke, especially when it's at someone's expense. Be decent.

10. Smack boards.



Anonymous said...

About time. Thank you.

- PoCho Pete

Anonymous said...

Damn, this is a good return effort. I didn't even know it was here till I saw ol' Hansy out and about perambulating thru the Blogsphere.

> throw some ol' horseshit onto the electro-grid

Was trying to Google up "Pete's list of Scary Scales" after the meteor that flew in over Russia. Zat around any place?